-- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 184. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?" -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 185. You order fast food over the Internet -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 186. You overstay in the office so you can have more time surfing the net. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 187. You promise yourself that you'll only stay online for another 15 minutes...at least once every hour. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 188. You purchase a laptop so you can surf while sitting on the can. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 189. You put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 190. You quickly hand over your wallet, leather jacket, and car keys during a mugging, then proceed to beat the crap out of your assailant when he asks for your laptop. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 191. You rate eating establishments not by the quality of the food, but by the availability of electrical outlets for your PowerBook. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 192. Your boss asks you to "go fer" coffee and you come up with 235 FTP sites. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 193. You ask your girlfriend to drive home so you can sit back with your PDA and download the information to your laptop -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 194. Your business cards contain your e-mail and home page address. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 195. Your cat has its own home page. -- % cat /usr/include/sys/errno.h #define EPERM 1 /* Operation not permitted */ #define ENOENT 2 /* No such file or directory */ #define ESRCH 3 /* No such process */ #define EINTR 4 /* Interrupted system call */ [...] #define EMACS 666 /* Editor Too Large */ % -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 196. Your computer costs more than your car. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 197. Your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 198. You read all the quotes at Netaholics Anonymous and keep thinking "What's wrong with that?" -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 199. You read this entire list of symptoms, looking for something that doesn't describe you. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 200. You really believe in the concept of a "paperless" office. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 201. When somebody asks you where you are, you tell them in which chat room. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 202. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 203. You're an active member of more than 20 newsgroups. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 204. You're being audited because you mailed your tax return to the IRC. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 205. You're constantly yelling at your spouse, family, roommate, whatever, for using the phone for stupid things...like talking. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 206. You religiously respond immediately to e-mail, while ignoring your growing pile of snail mail. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 207. Your given you one phone call in prison and you ask them for a laptop. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 208. Your goals for the future are obtaining an ISDN connection and a 6 gig hard drive. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 209. Your house stinks because you haven't cleaned it in a week. -- "You mean there really is an answer?" "Yes! But you're not going to like it!" "Oh do please tell us!" "You're really not going to like it!" "but we MUST know - tell us" "Alright, the answer is...." "yes..." "... is ..." "yes... come on!" "is 42!" (Douglas Adams - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) -- Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now? -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 210. When you get a divorce, you don't care about who gets the children, but discuss endlessly who can use the email address. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 211. Your husband leaves you...taking the computer with him and you call him crying, and beg him to bring the computer back. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 212. Your Internet group window has more icons than your Accessories window. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 213. Your kids start referring to you as "that guy in front of the monitor." -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 214. Your MCI "Circle of Friends" are all Hayes-compatible. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 215. Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 216. Your pet rock leaves home. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 217. Your sex life has drastically improved...so what if it's only cyber-sex! -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 218. Your spouse hands you a gift wrapped magnet with your PC's name on it and you accuse him or her of genocide. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 219. Your spouse has his or her lawyer deliver the divorce papers... via e-mail. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 220. Your wife asks for sex and you tell her where to find you on IRC. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 221. Your wife melts your keyboard in the oven. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 222. You send more than 20 personal e-mails a day. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 223. You set up a web-cam as your home's security system. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 224. You set up your own Web page. You set up a Web page for each of your kids... and your pets. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 225. You sign up for free subscriptions for all the computer magazines -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 226. You sit down at the computer right after dinner and your spouse says "See you in the morning." -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 227. You sleep next to your monitor. Or on top of it. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 228. You spend Saturday night making the counter on your home page pass that 2000 mark. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 229. You spend so much time thinking what to add on this list. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 230. You spend your Friday nights typing away at your keyboard -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 231. You sprinkle Carpet Fresh on the rugs and put your vacuum cleaner in the front doorway permanently so it always looks like you are actually attempting to do something about that mess that has amassed since you discovered the Internet. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 232. You start conversations with, "Have you gotten an ISDN line?" -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 233. You start dreaming about web pages...in html. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 234. You started college as a chemistry major, and walk out four years later as an Internet provider. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 235. You start naming your kids Fortran, COBOL, Algol, and Pascal. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 236. You start saving URL's in your digital watch. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 237. You tattoo your email address on your forehead. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 238. You think faxes are old-fashioned. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 239. You think "surfing" is something you do on dry land. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 240. You think Webster's Dictionary is a directory of WEB sites. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 241. You try to look for Net Search even when you're in File Manager. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 242. You turn down a better-paying job because it doesn't come with a free e-mail account. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 243. You unsuccessfully try to download a pizza from www.dominos.com. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 244. You use more than 20 passwords. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 245. You use Real Audio to listen to a radio station from a distant city rather than turn on your stereo system. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 246. You use up your free 100 hours in less than a week. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 247. You use www.switchboard.com instead of dialing 411 and 555-12-12 for directory assistance. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 248. You sign your letters with your e-mail address instead of your name. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 249. You've forgotten what the outside looks like. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 250. You've given up the search for the "perfect woman" and instead, sit in front of the PC until you're just too tired to care. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 251. You've never seen your closest friends who usually live WAY too far away. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 252. You vote for foreign officials. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 253. You wait for a slow loading web page before going to the toilet. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 254. You wake up daily with your keyboard printed on your forehead. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 255. You work for a newspaper and your editor asks you to write an article about Internet addiction...in the "first person." -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 256. You are able to write down over 250 symptoms of being an internet addict, even though they only asked for 101. -- ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Women are probably the main cause of free software starvation. -- GALAHAD: Camelot ... LAUNCELOT: Camelot ... GAWAIN: It's only a model. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- We're knights of the round table We dance whene'er we're able We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and spam a lot. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- We're knights of the Round Table Our shows are formidable But many times We're given rhymes That are quite unsingable We're opera mad in Camelot We sing from the diaphragm a lot. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- In war we're tough and able. Quite indefatigable Between our quests We sequin vests And impersonate Clark Gable It's a busy life in Camelot. I have to push the pram a lot. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- GOD: That is your purpose Arthur ... the Quest for the Holy Grail ... "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- MAN: You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets. He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- MAN: Fetchez la vache! GUARD: Quoi? MAN: Fetchez la vache! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- A cow comes flying over the battlements, lowing aggressively. The cow lands on GALAHAD'S PAGE, squashing him completely. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. -- ARTHUR: Right! Knights! Forward! ARTHUR leads a charge toward the castle. Various shots of them battling on, despite being hit by a variety of farm animals. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: (as the MAN next to him is squashed by a sheep) Knights! Run away! Midst echoing shouts of "run away" the KNIGHTS retreat to cover with the odd cow or goose hitting them still. The KNIGHTS crouch down under cover. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- A KNIGHT rides into shot and hacks him to the ground. He rides off. We stay for a moment on the glade. A MIDDLE-AGED LADY in a C. & A. twin-set emerges from the trees and looks in horror at the body of her HUSBAND. MRS HISTORIAN: FRANK! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot, He was not afraid to die, Oh Brave Sir Robin, He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Error:015 - Unable to exit Windows. Try the door. -- press CTRL-ALT-DEL for more information -- Microsoft: "Windows NT 4.0 now has the same user-interface as Windows 95" Windows 95: "Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to reboot" Windows NT 4.0: "Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to login" -- This is an airconditioned room, do not open Windows. -- The software said it requires Windows 95 or better, so I installed Linux. -- He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken; To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- His head smashed in, and his heart cut out, And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off, And his penis split ... and his ... "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- The greatest lies of all time: (1) The check is in the mail. (2) We have a really challenging assignment for you. (3) I love you. (4) That bug has been fixed. (5) This won't hurt a bit. (6) The Mercedes is paid for. (7) I have just sent you an e-mail about that. (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning. (9) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you. -- They now pass three KNIGHTS impaled to a tree. With their feet off the ground, with one lance through the lot of them, they are skewered up like a barbecue. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- FIRST HEAD: Oh! quick! get the sword out I want to cut his head off. THIRD HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off. SECOND HEAD: Yes - do us all a favour. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. -- Microsoft's definition of a boolean: TRUE, FALSE, MAYBE "Embrace and extend"...? -- FIRST HEAD: All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet He beat a very brave retreat Bravest of the brave Sir Robin Petrified of being dead Soiled his pants then brave Sir Robin Turned away and fled. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- GALAHAD turns back. We see from his POV the lovely ZOOT standing by him smiling enchantingly and a number of equally delectable GIRLIES draped around in the seductively poulticed room. They look at him smilingly and wave. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ZOOT: I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eightscore young blondes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life ... bathing ... dressing ... undressing ... making exciting underwear.... "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Linux is just like a wigwam: no Windows, no Gates and an Apache inside. -- GALAHAD: No look, really, this isn't nescess ... PIGLET: We must examine you. GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with ... that. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- GALAHAD hurries to the door and pushes through it. As he leaves the room we CUT TO the reverse to show that he is now in a room full of bathing and romping GIRLIES, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful. They smile enchantingly at him as he tries to keep walking without being diverted by the lovely sights assaulting his eyeballs. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- DINGO: Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment ... you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her. Come! GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- DINGO: You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me. AMAZING: And spank me! STUNNER: And me. LOVELY: And me. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- DINGO: And after the spanking ... the oral sex. GALAHAD: Oh, dear! Well, I... GIRLS: The oral sex ... The oral sex. GALAHAD: Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Ten million Linux users can't be wrong! -- GALAHAD: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! GIRLS: Yes, yes, let him Tackle us single-handed! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ### Hiroshima 45, Chernobyl 86, Windows 95 ### -- GALAHAD: No, please. Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred. GIRLS: He will beat us easily. We haven't a chance. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- "Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think." -- Scott Adams, Dilbert. -- Eight Megabytes And Continually Swapping. -- TALL KNIGHT OF NI: Ni! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. -- "My particular problem is with registry entries, which seem to just accumulate like plastic coffee cups..." -- Paul Moore -- An extraordinary TALL KNIGHT in all black (possibly John with Mike on his shoulders) walks out from the dark trees. He is extremely fierce and gruesome countenance. He walks towards KING ARTHUR and PATSY, who are wazzing like mad. (Salopian slang, meaning very scared. almost to the point of wetting oneself, e.g. before an important football match or prior to a postering. Salopian slang meaning a beating by the school praeposters. Sorry about the Salopian slant to this stage direction - Ed.) "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Back up my hard drive? I can't find the reverse switch! -- "Never be afraid to tell the world who you are." -- Anonymous -- ARTHUR: Who are you? TALL KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say "Ni"! BEDEVERE: No! Not the Knights Who Say "Ni"! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- TALL KNIGHT: We shall say Ni! again to you if you do not appease us. ARTHUR: All right! What do you want? TALL KNIGHT: We want ... a shrubbery! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours ... PRINCE: What - the curtains? "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- FATHER: Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him. FIRST GUARD: Not ... to leave the room ... even if you come and get him. FATHER: No. Until I come and get him. SECOND GUARD: Hic. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. -- CONCORDE: Message for you, sir. He falls forward revealing the arrow with the note. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- "To whoever finds this note - I have been imprisoned by my father who wishes me to marry against my will. Please please please please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." SIR LAUNCELOT's eyes light up with holy inspiration. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- LAUNCELOT: At last! A call! A cry of distress ... (he draws his sword, and turns to CONCORDE) Concorde! Brave, Concorde ... you shall not have died in vain! CONCORDE: I'm not quite dead, sir ... "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- LAUNCELOT leaps into SHOT with a mighty cry and runs the GUARD through and hacks him to the floor. Blood. Swashbuckling music (perhaps). LAUNCELOT races through into the castle screaming. SECOND SENTRY: Hey! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- FIRST GUARD: Ah! Now ... we're not allowed to ... SIR LAUNCELOT runs him through, grabs his spear and stabs the other guard who collapses in a heap. Hiccoughs quietly. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- FATHER: Who are you? PRINCE: I'm ... your son ... FATHER: Not you. LAUNCELOT: I'm ... er ... Sir Launcelot, sir. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- PRINCE: He's come to rescue me, father. LAUNCELOT: (embarrassed) Well, let's not jump to conclusions ... "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. -- ** Hello and Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline ** If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want - just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press next. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer. If you suffer from panic attacks, push every button you can find. If you are sane, please hold on - we have the rest of humanity on the other line and they desparately want to ask you a few questions. -- FATHER: Did you kill all those guards? LAUNCELOT: Yes ... I'm very sorry ... FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Q: How does a UNIX Guru do Sex ? A: unzip;strip;touch;finger;mount;fsck;more;yes;umount;sleep -- [clop clop] GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there? ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England! GUARD #1: Pull the other one! The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- Proverb: A nightingale that forgets the lyrics is a hummingbird. -- GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse? ARTHUR: Yes! GUARD #1: You're using coconuts! ARTHUR: What? GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut? ARTHUR: We found them. GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical! ARTHUR: What do you mean? GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut? ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk! GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- Futility Factor: No experiment is ever a complete failure - it can always serve as a negative example. -- ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here. GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? ARTHUR: Please! The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point. GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that... The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?! GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory. GUARD #2: Oh, yeah... GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together? GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper! GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? GUARD #2: Well, why not? The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- MORTICIAN: What? CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead! CUSTOMER: Yes, he is. DEAD PERSON: I'm not! The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful -- DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better! CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment. MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart! CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby. MORTICIAN: I can't take him... DEAD PERSON: I feel fine! CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor... MORTICIAN: I can't. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long. MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine today. CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round? MORTICIAN: Thursday. DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do? DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy. [whop] CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much. MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday. CUSTOMER: Right. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- [clop clop] MORTICIAN: Who's that then? CUSTOMER: I don't know. MORTICIAN: Must be a king. CUSTOMER: Why? MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- [clop clop] ARTHUR: Old woman! DENNIS: Man! ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? DENNIS: I'm thirty seven. ARTHUR: What? DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old! The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'. DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'. ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.' DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind you looked-- DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior! ARTHUR: Well, I AM king... The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- ARTHUR: Well, I AM king... DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress-- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- Vim is like Emacs without all the typing. (John "Johann" Spetz) -- WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do? ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that? WOMAN: King of the who? The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- `When any government, or any church for that matter, undertakes to say to its subjects, "This you may not read, this you must not see, this you are forbidden to know," the end result is tyranny and oppression no matter how holy the motives' -- Robert A Heinlein, "If this goes on --" -- WOMAN: King of the who? ARTHUR: The Britons. WOMAN: Who are the Britons? ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- The question is: What do you do with your life? The wrong answer is: Be the richest guy in the graveyard. (billionaire and Oracle founder Larry Ellison) -- WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again. DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would-- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- There are 2 kinds of people in my world: those who know Unix, Perl, Vim, GNU, Linux, etc, and those who know COBOL. It gets very difficult for me at parties, not knowing which group to socialise with :-) Sitaram Chamarty -- ARTHUR: Then who is your lord? WOMAN: We don't have a lord. ARTHUR: What? DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-- ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is? ARTHUR: I am your king! The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- ARTHUR: I am your king! WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you. ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings. WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then? The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then? ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king! The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- A poem: read aloud: <> !*''# Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, ^"`$$- Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, !*=@$_ Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, %*<> ~#4 Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, &[]../ Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, |{,,SYSTEM HALTED Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH. Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese (Calvin College & Seminary of Grand Rapids, MI.) -- DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- Q: How does a UNIX Guru pick up a girl? A: look; grep; which; eval; nice; uname; talk; date; -- Windows M!uqoms -- ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! ARTHUR: Shut up! DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away! The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. We'll fix it in software. -- ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up! DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. ARTHUR: Shut up! DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- ARTHUR: Bloody peasant! DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you? The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. [pause] I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my Court of Camelot. [pause] You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me? [pause] You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- ARTHUR: What? BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge. BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. -- RFC 1925 -- f y cn rd ths thn y cn hv grt jb n cmptr prgrmmng -- ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside! BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man. ARTHUR: So be it! [hah] [parry thrust] [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off] ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off! BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't. ARTHUR: Well, what's that then? BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse. The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- No letters of the alphabet were harmed in the creation of this message. -- BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy! [hah] [parry thrust] [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off] ARTHUR: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc- [Black Knight kicks Arthur in the head while he is praying] The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python) -- -rwxr-xr-x 1 root 24 Oct 29 1929 /bin/ed -rwxr-xr-t 4 root 131720 Jan 1 1970 /usr/ucb/vi -rwxr-xr-x 1 root 5.89824e37 Oct 22 1990 /usr/bin/emacs -- 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions. -- FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all! LAUNCELOT: Er, Well ... the thing is ... I thought your son was a lady. FATHER: I can understand that. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- FATHER: You only killed the bride's father - that's all - LAUNCELOT: Oh dear, I didn't really mean to... FATHER: Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head! LAUNCELOT: Gosh - Is he all right? "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- LAUNCELOT: I am, sir. I am a Knight of King Arthur. FATHER: 'Mm ... very nice castle, Camelot ... very good pig country.... "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- GUEST: He's killed the best man! SECOND GUEST: (holding a limp WOMAN) He's killed my auntie. FATHER: No, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who ... "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- FATHER: We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. [Murmurs from CROWD; the BRIDE smiles with relief, coughs.] "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- If your life is a hard drive, Christ can be your backup. -- CONCORDE: Quickly, sir, come this way! LAUNCELOT: No! It's not right for my idiom. I must escape more ... more ... CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir? LAUNCELOT: Dramatically. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called 'present'. -- [SIR LAUNCELOT runs back up the stairs, grabs a rope of the wall and swings out over the heads of the CROWD in a swashbuckling manner towards a large window. He stops just short of the window and is left swing pathetically back and forth.] LAUNCELOT: Excuse me ... could somebody give me a push ... "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- MESKIMEN'S LAW There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. -- CRONE: Who sent you? ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Ni! CRONE: Aaaagh! (she looks around in rear) No! We have no shrubberies here. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: Listen, old crone! Unless you tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will ... we will say "Ni!" CRONE: Do your worst! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Life is a gift, living is an art. (Bram Moolenaar) -- ARTHUR: Ni! BEDEVERE: Nu! ARTHUR: No. Ni! More like this. "Ni"! BEDEVERE: Ni, ni, ni! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: Did you say shrubberies? ROGER: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- TALL KNIGHT: We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni! ONE KNIGHT: Ni! OTHERS: Sh! ONE KNIGHT: (wispers) Sorry. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- TALL KNIGHT: Firstly. You must get us another shrubbery! OTHER KNIGHTS: More shrubberies! More shrubberies for the ex-Knights of Ni! ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery - "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- The war between Emacs and Vi is over. Vi has won with 3 to 1. http://www.ssc.com/lg/issue30/raymond.html -- TALL KNIGHT: When you have found the shrubbery, then you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest ... with a herring. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- [Autumn changed into Winter ... Winter changed into Spring ... Spring changed back into Autumn and Autumn gave Winter and Spring a miss and went straight on into Summer ... Until one day ...] "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- TIM: To the north there lies a cave, the cave of Caerbannog, wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- TIM: But follow only if you are men of valour. For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a monster, a creature so foul and cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair ... "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- TIM: Too late. ARTHUR: What? TIM: There he is! [They all turn,, and see a large white RABBIT lollop a few yards out of the cave. Accompanied by terrifying chord and jarring metallic monster noise.] "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- TIM: That is not an ordinary rabbit ... 'tis the most foul cruel and bad-tempered thing you ever set eyes on. ROBIN: You tit. I soiled my armour I was so scared! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: Go on, Bors, chop its head off. BORS: Right. Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming up. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: Charge! [They all charge with swords drawn towards the RABBIT. A tremendous twenty second fight with Peckinpahish shots and borrowing heavily also on the Kung Fu and karate-type films ensues, in which some four KNIGHTS are comprehensively killed.] ARTHUR: Run away! Run away! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ROBIN: The what? ARTHUR: The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard always carries with him. ALL: Yes. Of course. ARTHUR: (shouting) Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- BROTHER MAYNARD: Armaments Chapter Two Verses Nine to Twenty One. ANOTHER MONK: And St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. "and the Lord did grin and people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and... BROTHER MAYNARD: Skip a bit brother ... "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- MONK: ... and the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Arthur pulls Pin out. The MONK blesses the grenade as ... ARTHUR: (quietly) One, two, five ... GALAHAD: Three, sir! ARTHUR: Three. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: What does it say? BROTHER MAYNARD: It reads ... "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathea." "He who is valorous and pure of heart may find the Holy Grail in the aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..." ARTHUR: What? BROTHER MAYNARD: "The Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..." "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- User: I'm having problems with my text editor. Help desk: Which editor are you using? User: I don't know, but it's version VI (pronounced: 6). Help desk: Oh, then you should upgrade to version VIM (pronounced: 994). -- ARTHUR: But if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh". He'd just say it. BROTHER MAYNARD: It's down there carved in stone. GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- LAUNCELOT: Isn't there a St. Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh's in Cornwall? ARTHUR: No, that's Saint Ives. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- BEDEVERE: Oooooh! LAUNCELOT: No "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... " at the back of the throat. BEDEVERE: No! "Oooooh!" in surprise and alarm! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- "When I die, I want a tombstone that says "GAME OVER" - Ton Richters -- [Another hideous roar.] BEDEVERE: That's it! ARTHUR: What? BEDEVERE: It's The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- VOICE OVER: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when, suddenly ... the animator suffered a fatal heart attack. ANIMATOR: Aaaaagh! VOICE OVER: The cartoon peril was no more ... The Quest for Holy Grail could continue. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- BEDEVERE: Look! It's the old man from scene 24 - what's he Doing here? ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge. He asks each traveler five questions ... GALAHAD: Three questions. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ROBIN: (warily) And if you get a question wrong? ARTHUR: You are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. ROBIN: Oh ... wacho! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: No, hang on! Just answer the five questions ... GALAHAD: Three questions ... ARTHUR: Three questions ... And we shall watch ... and pray. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your favorite colour? LAUNCELOT: Blue. BRIDGEKEEPER: Right. Off you go. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your favorite colour? GAWAIN: Blue ... No yelloooooww! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- SIGFUN -- signature too funny (core dumped) -- BRIDGEKEEPER: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow? BRIDGEKEEPER: Er ... I don't know that ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! BRIDGEKEEPER is cast into the gorge. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- BEDEVERE: How do you know so much about swallows? ARTHUR: Well you have to know these things when you're a king, you know. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- There is no right or wrong, there is only your personal opinion. (Bram Moolenaar) -- It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. [real standing law in Alabama, United States of America] -- It is illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water. [real standing law in California, United States of America] -- You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands. [real standing laws in Connecticut, United States of America] -- Florida: A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. [real standing law in Florida, United States of America] -- If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. [real standing law in Florida, United States of America] -- Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. [real standing law in Florida, United States of America] -- It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets. [real standing law in Illinois, United States of America] -- Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic. [real standing law in Indiana, United States of America] -- Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes. [real standing law in Iowa, United States of America] -- It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. [real standing law in Louisana, United States of America] -- Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault." [real standing law in Louisana, United States of America] -- Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. [real standing law in Massachusetts, United States of America] -- A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service. [real standing law in Nebraska, United States of America] -- So when I saw the post to comp.editors, I rushed over to the FTP site to grab it. So I yank apart the tarball, light x candles, where x= the vim version multiplied by the md5sum of the source divided by the MAC of my NIC (8A3FA78155A8A1D346C3C4A), put on black robes, dim the lights, wave a dead chicken over the hard drive, and summon the power of GNU GCC with the magic words "make config ; make!". [Jason Spence, compiling Vim 5.0] -- Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public. [real standing law in New Mexico, United States of America] -- Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant. [real standing law in North Dakota, United States of America] -- Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog. [real standing law in Oklahoma, United States of America] -- Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property. [real standing law in Oklahoma, United States of America] -- A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. [real standing law in Pennsylvania, United States of America] -- No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife. [real standing law in Pennsylvania, United States of America] -- It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. [real standing law in Texas, United States of America] -- Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week -- on Saturday night. [real standing law in Vermont, United States of America] -- A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town. [real standing law in Washington, United States of America] -- No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions." [real standing law in West Virginia, United States of America] -- Living on Earth includes an annual free trip around the Sun. -- FROG: How you English say: I one more time, mac, I unclog my nose towards you, sons of a window-dresser, so, you think you could out-clever us French fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing behaviour. (blows a raspberry) I wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly-coloured, mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric donkey-bottom biters. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- SIGIRO -- too much irony (core dumped) -- ARTHUR: If you do not open these doors, we will take this castle by force ... [A bucket of slops land on ARTHUR. He tries to retain his dignity.] "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Another bucket of what can only be described as human ordure hits ARTHUR. ARTHUR: ... Right! (to the KNIGHTS) That settles it! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- BEDEVERE: Stand by for attack!! [CUT TO enormous army forming up. Trebuchets, rows of PIKEMEN, siege towers, pennants flying, shouts of "Stand by for attack!" Traditional army build-up shots. The shouts echo across the ranks of the army. We see various groups reacting, and stirring themselves in readiness.] ARTHUR: Who are they? BEDEVERE: Oh, just some friends! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? -- ARTHUR: CHARGE! [The mighty ARMY charges. Thundering noise of feet. Clatter of coconuts. Shouts etc. Suddenly there is a wail of a siren and a couple of police cars roar round in front of the charging ARMY and the POLICE leap out and stop them. TWO POLICEMAN and the HISTORIAN'S WIFE. Black Marias skid up behind them.] HISTORIAN'S WIFE: They're the ones, I'm sure. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- [The rest of the ARMY stand around looking at a loss.] INSPECTOR END OF FILM: (picks up megaphone) All right! Clear off! Go on! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- INSPECTOR END OF FILM: Move along. There's nothing to see! Keep moving! [Suddenly he notices the cameras.] INSPECTOR END OF FILM: (to Camera) All right, put that away sonny. [He walks over to it and puts his hand over the lens.] "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- JOHN CLEESE PLAYED: SECOND SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS, LARGE MAN WITH DEAD BODY, BLACK KNIGHT, MR NEWT (A VILLAGE BLACKSMITH INTERESTED IN BURNING WITCHES), A QUITE EXTRAORDINARILY RUDE FRENCHMAN, TIM THE WIZARD, SIR LAUNCELOT "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- TERRY GILLIAM PLAYED: PATSY (ARTHUR'S TRUSTY STEED), THE GREEN KNIGHT SOOTHSAYER, BRIDGEKEEPER, SIR GAWAIN (THE FIRST TO BE KILLED BY THE RABBIT) "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ERIC IDLE PLAYED: THE DEAD COLLECTOR, MR BINT (A VILLAGE NE'ER-DO -WELL VERY KEEN ON BURNING WITCHES), SIR ROBIN, THE GUARD WHO DOESN'T HICOUGH BUT TRIES TO GET THINGS STRAIGHT, CONCORDE (SIR LAUNCELOT'S TRUSTY STEED), ROGER THE SHRUBBER (A SHRUBBER), BROTHER MAYNARD "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- NEIL INNES PLAYED: THE FIRST SELF-DESTRUCTIVE MONK, ROBIN'S LEAST FAVORITE MINSTREL, THE PAGE CRUSHED BY A RABBIT, THE OWNER OF A DUCK "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- MICHAEL PALIN PLAYED: 1ST SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS, DENNIS, MR DUCK (A VILLAGE CARPENTER WHO IS ALMOST KEENER THAN ANYONE ELSE TO BURN WITCHES), THREE-HEADED KNIGHT, SIR GALAHAD, KING OF SWAMP CASTLE, BROTHER MAYNARD'S ROOMATE "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- (letter from Mark to Mike, about the film's probale certificate) For an 'A' we would have to: Lose as may shits as possible Take Jesus Christ out, if possible Loose "I fart in your general direction" Lose "the oral sex" Lose "oh, fuck off" Lose "We make castanets out of your testicles" "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- (letter from Mark to Mike, about the film's probale certificate) I would like to get back to the Censor and agree to lose the shits, take the odd Jesus Christ out and lose Oh fuck off, but to retain 'fart in your general direction', 'castanets of your testicles' and 'oral sex' and ask him for an 'A' rating on that basis. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Wi n0t trei a h0liday in Sweden thi yer? "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely accidental and unintentional. Signed RICHARD M. NIXON "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- This message contains 78% recycled characters. -- A M00se once bit my sister ... "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Mynd you, m00se bites Kan be pretty nasti ... "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- System administrators are just like women: You can't live with them and you can't live without them. -- SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787". After a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance. They come slowly closer. Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR followed by a SERVANT who is banging two half coconuts together. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England! [Pause] SOLDIER: Get away! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- SOLDIER: What? Ridden on a horse? ARTHUR: Yes! SOLDIER: You're using coconuts! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- SOLDIER: Where did you get the coconuts? ARTHUR: Through ... We found them. SOLDIER: Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land. SOLDIER: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- SOLDIER: What? A swallow carrying a coconut? ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk ... "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- SECOND SOLDIER: It could be carried by an African swallow! FIRST SOLDIER: Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European swallow. that's my point. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- "I've been teaching myself to play the piano for about 5 years and now write most of my songs on it, mainly because I can never find any paper." Jeff Lynne, ELO's greatest hits -- FIRST SOLDIER: So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway. SECOND SOLDIER: Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together? FIRST SOLDIER: No, they'd have to have it on a line. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- THEOREM: VI is perfect. PROOF: VI in roman numerals is 6. The natural numbers < 6 which divide 6 are 1, 2, and 3. 1+2+3 = 6. So 6 is a perfect number. Therefore, VI is perfect. QED -- Arthur Tateishi -- If you don't get everything you want, think of everything you didn't get and don't want. -- CART DRIVER: Bring out your dead! We follow the cart through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden village. A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging. In the open doorway of one house perhaps we jug glimpse a pair of legs dangling from the ceiling. In another doorway an OLD WOMAN is beating a cat against a wall rather like one does with a mat. The cart passes round a dead donkey or cow in the mud. And a MAN tied to a cart is being hammered to death by four NUNS with huge mallets. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- CART DRIVER: Bring out your dead! There are legs stick out of windows and doors. Two MEN are fighting in the mud - covered from head to foot in it. Another MAN is on his hands in knees shovelling mud into his mouth. We just catch sight of a MAN falling into a well. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- CART DRIVER: Bring out your dead! LARGE MAN: Here's one! CART DRIVER: Ninepence. BODY: I'm not dead! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- BODY: I'm not dead! CART DRIVER: 'Ere. He says he's not dead. LARGE MAN: Yes he is. BODY: I'm not! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- LARGE MAN: Who's that then? CART DRIVER: (Grudgingly) I dunno, Must be a king. LARGE MAN: Why? CART DRIVER: He hasn't got shit all over him. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: Old woman! DENNIS: Man! ARTHUR: Man. I'm sorry. Old man, What knight live in that castle over there? DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind you looked ... DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior... ARTHUR: Well ... I AM king. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- DENNIS: Oh, very nice. King, eh! I expect you've got a palace and fine clothes and courtiers and plenty of food. And how d'you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- OLD WOMAN: King of the WHO? ARTHUR: The Britons. OLD WOMAN: Who are the Britons? "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: ... and I am your king .... OLD WOMAN: Ooooh! I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective ... "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to shut up. OLD WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is? ARTHUR: I am your king! OLD WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- OLD WOMAN: Well, how did you become king, then? ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held Excalibur aloft from the bosom of the water to signify by Divine Providence ... that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur ... That is why I am your king! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- DENNIS: Look, strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out swords ... that's no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- DENNIS: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge. BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: Now stand aside worthy adversary. BLACK KNIGHT: (Glancing at his shoulder) 'Tis but a scratch. ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine. BLACK KNIGHT: Had enough? ARTHUR: You stupid bastard. You havn't got any arms left. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ARTHUR: What are you going to do. bleed on me? "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible! ARTHUR: You're a looney. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) (Ralph Jennings) -- "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it." -- Donald Knuth -- Eye have a spelling checker, it came with my PC; It plainly marks four my revue mistakes I cannot sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your please to no, It's letter perfect in it's weigh, my checker tolled me sew! -- BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you! ARTHUR takes his last leg off. The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright. BLACK KNIGHT: All right, we'll call it a draw. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp cracks. It comes nearer. We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with wooden boards. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- It is too bad that the speed of light hasn't kept pace with the changes in CPU speed and network bandwidth. -- -- FIRST VILLAGER: We have found a witch. May we burn her? "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- BEDEVERE: Why do you think she is a witch? SECOND VILLAGER: She turned me into a newt. BEDEVERE: A newt? SECOND VILLAGER: (After looking at himself for some time) I got better. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- BEDEVERE: And what do you burn, apart from witches? FOURTH VILLAGER: ... Wood? BEDEVERE: So why do witches burn? SECOND VILLAGER: (pianissimo) ... Because they're made of wood...? "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- BEDEVERE: Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water? ALL: Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ... ARTHUR: A duck. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- ALL: A witch! A witch! WITCH: It's a fair cop. ALL: Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- BEDEVERE: And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 1. You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 2. You kiss your girlfriend's home page. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 3. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. -- login: yes password: I don't know, please tell me password is incorrect login: yes password: incorrect -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 4. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 5. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 6. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 7. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 8. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 9. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 10. And even your night dreams are in HTML. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 11. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 12. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 13. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 14. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au" -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 15. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 16. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 17. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 18. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 19. All of your friends have an @ in their names. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 20. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 21. Your dog has its own home page. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 22. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 23. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 24. You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 25. You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 17" inch svga monitor. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 26. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 27. You refer to your age as 3.x. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 28. You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 29. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. -- Due knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl miss steaks. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 30. Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 31. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 32. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 33. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 34. You laugh at people with 14400 baud modems. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 35. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 36. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 37. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 38. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 39. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. -- "Oh, no! NOT the Spanish Inquisition!" "NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!" -- Monty Python sketch -- "Oh, no! NOT another option!" -- Discussion in vim-dev mailing list -- -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 40. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html 41. You actually try that 123.elm.street address. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 42. Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a larger bandwidth. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 43. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 44. Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 45. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 46. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 47. You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 48. You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.1 or higher." -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 49. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 50. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 51. You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while you are pretending to catch your breath. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 52. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 53. To find out what time it is, you send yourself an e-mail and check the "Date:" field. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 54. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 55. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain. -- ERROR 047: Keyboard not found. Press RETURN to continue. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 56. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net". -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 57. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 58. You turn on your computer and turn off your wife. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 59. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. -- Time is money. Especially if you make clocks. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 60. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 61. Your best friends know your e-mail address, but neither your phone number nor the address where you live. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 62. If your doorbell rings, you think hat new mail has arrived. And then you're disappointed that it's only someone at the door. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 63. You start using smileys in your snail mail. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 64. The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 65. The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 66. You create a homepage with the impression to cure the afflicted...but your hidden agenda is to receive more e-mail. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 67. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. You succeed. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 68. Your cat always puts viruses on your dogs homepage -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 69. Yahoo welcoms you with your own start page -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 70. ISDN lines are added to your house on a hourly basis -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 71. You wonder how people walk -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 72. Somebody at IRC just mentioned a way to obtain full motion video without a PC using a wireless protocol called NTSC, you wonder how you never heard about it -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 73. You give your dog used motherboards instead of bones -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 74. Your most erotic dreams are about cybersex -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 75. You start wondering whether you could actually upgrade your brain with a Pentium Pro microprocessor 80. The upgrade works just fine. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 76. Your ISP regards you as a business partner rather than as a customer. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 77. The phone company asks you to test drive their new PBX system -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 78. You find yourself dialing IP numbers on the phone. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 79. All of your most erotic dreams have a scrollbar at the right side. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 80. At parties, you introduce your spouse as your "service provider." -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 81. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server." -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 82. AT&T names you Customer of the Month for the third consecutive time. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 83. Batteries in the TV remote now last for months. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 84. Books in your bookcase bear the names Bongo, WinSock and Inside OLE -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 85. Choice between paying Compuserve bill and paying for kids education is a no brainer -- although a bit painful for your kids. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 86. E-mail Deficiency Depression (EDD) forces you to e-mail yourself. -- Ed's Radiator Shop: The Best Place in Town to Take a Leak. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 87. Everyone you know asks why your phone line is always busy ...and you tell them to send an e-mail. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 88. Every single time you press the 'Get mail' button...it does get new mail. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 89. In addition to your e-mail address being on your business cards you even have your own domain. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 90. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 91. It's Saturday afternoon in the middle of may and you are on computer. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 92. It takes you two hours to check all 14 of your mailboxes. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 93. New mail alarm on your palmtop annoys other churchgoers. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 94. Now admit it... How many of you have made "modem noises" into the phone just to see if it was possible? :-) -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 95. Only communication in your household is through email. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 96. On Super Bowl Sunday, you followed the score by going to the Yahoo main page instead of turning on the TV. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 97. Your mother tells you to remember something, and you look for a File/Save command. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 98. The Alta Vista administrators ask you what sites are missing in their index files. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 99. The hum of a cooling fan and the click of keys is comforting to you. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 100. The most exciting sporting events you noticed during summer 1996 was Netscape vs. Microsoft. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 101. U can read htis w/o ny porblm and cant figur eout Y its evn listd. -- Contrary to popular belief, Unix is user friendly. It just happens to be selective about who it makes friends with. -- Dave Parnas -- To be rich is not the end, but only a change of worries. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 102. When filling out your driver's license application, you give your IP address. -- A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 103. When you find yourself in the "Computer" section of Barnes & Noble enjoying yourself. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 104. When people ask about the Presidential Election you ask "Which country?" -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 105. When someone asks you for your address, you tell them your URL. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 106. When told to "go to your room" you inform your parents that you can't...because you were kicked out and banned. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 107. When using your phone you forget that you don't have to use your keyboard. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 108. While reading a magazine, you look for the Zoom icon for a better look at a photograph. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 109. You actually read -- and enjoy -- lists like this. -- In a world without walls and borders, who needs windows and gates? -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 110. You actually volunteer to become your employer's webmaster. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 111. You and your friends get together regularly on IRC, even though all of you live in the same city. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 112. You are amazed that anyone uses a phone without a modem on it...let alone hear actual voices. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 113. You are asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 114. You are counting items, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 115. You are late picking up your kid from school and try to explain to the teacher you were stuck in Web traffic. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 116. You are living with your boyfriend who networks your respective computers so you can sit in separate rooms and email each other -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 117. You are more comfortable typing in html. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 118. You are on a first-name basis with your ISP's staff. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 119. You are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 120. You ask a friend, "What's that big shiny thing?" He says, "It's the sun." -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 121. You ask for e-mail adresses instead of telephone numbers. -- ~ ~ ~ ".signature" 4 lines, 50 characters written -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 122. You ask if the Netaholics Anonymous t-shirt you ordered can be sent to you via e-mail. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 123. You ask the car dealer to install an extra cigarette lighter on your new car to power your notebook. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 124. You begin conversations with, "Who is your internet service provider?" -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 125. You begin to wonder how often it REALLY is necessary to get up and shower or bathe. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 126. You brag to all of your friends about your date Saturday night...but you don't tell them it was only in a chat room. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 127. You bring your laptop and cellular phone to church. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 128. You can access the Net -- via your portable and cellular phone. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 129. You cancel your newspaper subscription. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 130. You can't get out of your desk even if it's time to eat or time to go to the bathroom. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 131. You challenge authority and society by portnuking people -- Why is it called "Windows"? "Gates" would be more appropriate... -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 132. You come back and check this list every half-hour. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 133. You communicate with people on other continents more than you do with your own neighbors. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 134. You consider bandwidth to be more important than carats. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 135. You cut classes or miss work so you can stay home and browse the web. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 136. You decide to stay in a low-paying job teaching just for the free Internet access. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 137. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just so you can have the free Internet access. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 138. You develop a liking for cold coffee. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 139. You down your lunch in five minutes, at your desk, so you can spend the rest of the hour surfing the Net. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 140. You'd rather catch a score on the web than watch the game as it is being played on tv. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 141. You'd rather go to http://www.weather.com/ than look out your window. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 142. You dream about creating the world's greatest web site. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 143. You dream in pallettes or 256 colors. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 144. You eagerly await the update of the "Cool Site of the Day." -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 145. You e-mail your boss, informing him you'll be late. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 146. You experience ACTUAL physical withdrawal symptoms when away from your 'puter and the net. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 147. You finally give up smoking...because it made the monitor dirty. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 148. You find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 149. You find your computer sexier than your girlfriend -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 150. You find yourself counting emoticons to get to sleep. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 151. You find yourself engaged to someone you've never actually met, except through e-mail. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 152. You find yourself falling for someone you've never seen or hardly know, but, boy can he/she TYPE!!!!!! -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 153. You find yourself staring at your "inbox" waiting for new e-mail to arrive. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 154. You fondle your mouse. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 155. You forget to eat because you're too busy surfing the net. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 156. You forget your friend's name but not her e-mail address. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 157. You fum through a magazine, you first check to see if it has a web address. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 158. You get a tuner card so you can watch TV while surfing. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 159. You get excited whenever discussing your hard drive. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 160. You get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 161. You get up before the sun rises to check your e-mail, and you find yourself in the very same chair long after the sun has set. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 162. You go outside and look for a brightness knob to turn down the sun. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 163. You go outside for the fresh air (at -30 degrees) but open the window first to hear new mail arrive. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 164. You got out to buy software, instead of going out for a beer. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 165. You have a web page burned into your glasses -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 166. You have been on your computer soo long that you didn't realize you had grandchildren. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 167. You have more than 100 websites in your Bookmark. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 168. You have your own domain name. -- "Hit any key to continue" does _not_ mean you should hit the power switch. -- "Hit any key to continue" is very confusing when you have two keyboards. -- "Hit any key to continue" is a lie. -- Did you ever see a "Hit any key to continue" message in a music piece? -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 169. You hire a housekeeper for your home page. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 170. You introduce your wife as "my_lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "forked processes." -- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 171. You invent another person and chat with yourself in empty chat rooms. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 172. You join listservers just for the extra e-mail. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 173. You keep tracking down the email addresses of all your friends (even childhood friends). -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 174. You know what a listserv is. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 175. You send yourself e-mail before you go to bed to remind you what to do when you wake up. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 176. You lie, even to user-friends, about how long you were online yesterday. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 177. You log off of your system because it's time to go to work. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 178. You look for an icon to double-click to open your bedroom window. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 179. You wonder why your household garbage can doesn't have an "empty recycle bin" button. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 180. You maintain more than six e-mail addresses. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 181. You make up words that go with the "happy tune" your modem makes while dialing your ISP. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 182. You may not know what is happening in the world, but you know every bit of net-gossip there is. -- hundred-and-one symptoms of being an internet addict: 183. You move your coffeemaker next to your computer.